Endings.

In my current therapy sessions, I've been asked to think about what happened during the years I spent doing nothing. I've been been told to concentrate on what it was that stopped me from doing anything from 2011-2016. You know, the big 5 year gap that where I was stuck in a cycle of doing nothing, getting dumped, crying and eating. Yeah I know, those were the days.

And I guess its a thought that must have seeped in my subconscious. At the time she asked me, I had no idea. And now I think I know what it was. I was scared. I was absolutely terrified of starting new relationships, friendships, hobbies or jobs etc and then just having them end in circumstances that were out of my control. I know no one likes endings, but I just don't cope well with them. When things end, I tend to fall apart. I was scared of these things ending, and not knowing what to do, and I was scared of my reaction when they ended.

Some how I managed to convince myself that I was protecting my mind from doing nothing for all that time. If I didn't do anything, nothing could end, so I couldn't get hurt or feel sad at all.

Still, it was no reason for everyone to sit and make fun of me for 5 years was it?

Looks like it's that time again, to get my own word out there.

So today I encountered my first piece of life drama for a while, and I have to admit that it turns out I am a little bit out of practice. I don't even react to it the same way I used to. Anyone who knows me knows that I used to adore an argument, I wouldn't even think twice about jumping in to one. I thrived off of drama, I didn't think twice about telling people what I thought of them. But when today's drama kicked off, I just didn't want to take part in it anymore. I let the other person rant away and go on and on about it all, and I just didn't have the energy to take part in it. Don't get me wrong, they are loving being able to get sympathy from people, but I'm just not like that anymore. And then I realised something else. (This is a whole train of thought here so bear with me.)

I've just let people shout and scream things at me when they want to. I let an ex boyfriend drunkely text me horrible things at 1am. I let another ex boyfriend regularly shout abuse at me down the phone for years. I've let friends have all kinds of arguments with me, and tell me off for things that I've only just realised that I didn't deserve. I've been letting myself believe that I am a God awful horrendous vile person and it's been suiting other people for me to believe that, and I'm not.

And now I know I'm not these things (for example, I know I'm not a liar, I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not full of myself) I don't need to listen to these things. I can just turn my phone off. I can block numbers. I can block social media profiles. I can make it stop. And that's what I'm going to do from now on. I'm no longer going to accept being told that I am a horrendous person by people who couldn't control me, or couldn't manipulate me to fit in the mold of how they wanted me in their lives. Like I worked out in counselling today (yes, I am still going) any form of relationship- parent, sibling, friend, partner, needs to be equal. There needs to be compromise. You can't say things like "I'll only be her friend if she does/doesn't do this" "I'll only date you if you do this, or don't do that" "if she does this I'll stop talking to her" that's not how it's going to work with me anymore.

Basically, I've finally realised that I don't "deserve" any of this. And that is going to upset a whole load of people, and quite frankly. I don't give a shit. So while all this is going on and being splashed all over Facebook and Twitter, and getting back to people I don't really want it to and you're all sat around talking about it and being horrible about me. Go ahead.

Summer 2016.

So it's September, which in my mind means it is autumn. I adore autumn. I am such a little autumn bug it's crazy. I'm not overly looking forward to the memories from last autumn/winter if I'm brutally honest, but I will cross that bridge when it comes to it. Anyway. I sat myself down in my room and turned my computer on, and all of a sudden it dawned on me that I should be so, so, so proud of myself. Bear in mind the place I was in about 6-7 months ago (quick reminder, I wanted to kill myself) and now... I'm in a totally different place. I've lived more this summer than I have done for years. My counselling earlier in the year showed me the importance of writing things down and charting the progress I'm making. So...

Rosie's List Of Progress This Summer. 
1. I got a job. I adore my job, everything about it (I'm still terrified of the stove in the kitchen, but I'm working on that one!) I work with lovely people as well.
2. I have my own money! I can buy myself things with out justifying it to other people, and I can buy other people things as well.
3. I've seen friends I haven't seen for a long, long time.
4. I bought a pair of trainers.
5. I started to drink coffee.
6. I braved two bus journeys on my own to see a friend I haven't seen for years.
7. I went to Colchester Zoo.
8. I left the house every day.
9. I reconnected with old friends I thought I would never hear from again.
10. I lost friends I never anticipated losing, and I don't really mind that much about it.
11. I bought my first crop top. (I now have far too many)
12. I started reading again.
13. I stopped drinking.
14. I stopped being embarrassed over the things I enjoy doing. I'm going to throw it out there now- I LIKE PLAYING SIMS 4. A LOT. It's my favourite pass time.
15. I completed a course of counselling, I'm about to start a new one, and I've already got a course of CBT planned for when I finish the next lot.

And that's it. I don't care about you guys, but I am proud of me.

Things I Still Can't Do.

The last few posts have been full of things that I've been moving on and improving on, because I've been lucky enough to have a good few weeks. However this weekend a few little things have set me back. I feel like because I thought I was doing so well, it's been quite a shock to suddenly not be doing well, maybe I was trying to fly before I could even take a few baby steps. I know I should probably be all like "it's okay to have a set back" or whatever, and it is. And you can remind people of that all you want. But you won't be able to take away that feeling of failure and despair having a set back gives you.

A list of things that I still can't do. 

1. I still can't relax and enjoy things like I used to. I'm very rarely able to just sit and do nothing without remembering things when I least want to. 

2. I still can't spend any longer in the bath or shower than I need to, for some reason baths and showers have always been my happy place, I use a nice bathbomb, wash my hair, and just relax. This last week, 99% of the time I've left the bath or shower nearly in tears. 

3. I still can't stop the flashbacks or the dreams about things that have happened. This is the most bizzare one. I don't want any form of relationship with the people I've lost at all, but for some reason during the last week I've had a lot of dreams about them, or sudden flash backs of how I was left to feel. 

4. I still struggle to speak about what happened, and by struggle I mean I can not talk about anything from The Break Down period of my life. Will I ever? I don't know. Probably not. I'ts not because the people mean anything to me now, it's more that I can't bear to remember what I did to myself back then. The empty hours, the mental and physical harm I caused to myself, just the general darkness of that time. 

5. I still can't understand how I feel about people. The people that were in my life once and the people that are in my life now. Family, friends, anyone. 

I don't really know fully where this post is going if I am totally honest with you. I've just got a lot in my little head. 

To whom it may concern, (and those it doesn't, because we all know you're going to see it anyway.)

It's been a while since I last wrote on here, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I've been feeling better? Maybe it's because I'm working now and I'd rather do other things than this. Maybe I've just been avoiding thinking about anything that happened a few months ago, at all.

I am still under going mental health treatment, which has taught me a lot about myself. I've been surrounding myself with the wrong people for years now, it turns out. People who were only happy with me as long as I wasn't happier than them, or people who wanted me to continue "failing" at life so they could carry on treating me as their good deed for the day. The other day I went through every form of communication I have and took every single one of these people off it, and where I could, I blocked them. Unfortunately I know that people will still find out things that I'm doing in my life. Not because they're really that interested, but just because that appears to be the way it is. People will always talk.

So here I am once again, to set the record straight, in my own words. Not that that matters. Certain people will still read this and take it in what ever way helps them to sleep at night.

So here it goes.
1. I currently have no anger towards any body. From things I'm learning about myself since, I only really feel a bit sorry for some people, or I don't really feel anything for them at all. And yep, by 'sorry for' I mean I have vast amounts of pity for certain people. Mainly the ones who could only boost their morale or make themselves feel better by putting me down, or by mocking my breakdown. It's kind of sick in a way, and I genuinely feel if my mental health state amused you, or has ever amused you in any way shape or form, then you need to look at your own mental health, because no one should seek pleasure from someone in that situation. If you ever sat around a table with people and laughed at the things I did, or even just didn't tell someone to stop laughing, then I'm afraid, you also need help too, it's not just me.

2. Yes, I did want to kill myself. There is no more I need to add that point. If you don't know anymore about that, then you never will.

3. I don't personally "blame" anyone. I feel there were just certain people and situations that contributed. What happened to me would have happened no matter what it was. The next big thing that happened would have sent me in to the same situation. I accept I am to blame too. Not in the way other people want me to blame myself, but in other ways, yes it was totally my own fault as well.



So yes. 4 months ago, I wanted to kill myself. I was at rock bottom. But thank you to all the people that put me there. Without you, I was never going to be able to get the mental health help that I needed, as in the NHS it is totally possible to be "not unwell enough" to qualify for treatment. I'm receiving the correct form of treatment that I need. Without the help of the people I've cut from my life I wouldn't be in the position I am in now, which I personally count as the best life position I have ever been in. Without that happening I wouldn't know how strong I actually am as a person.

Moving forwards.

I'm not sure when I last wrote here? I think it was about a month ago, things are changing so quickly in my mind at the moment that I don't really know how to cope with it all, so I decided to stop writing for a while. I felt like although the writing helped to an extent it was also allowing me to wallow in what had happened to me, and maybe it wasn't helping me move forward as much as it could be. I'll never be able to go back and read what I wrote when I was at my worst, I don't think I'll ever be ready to face those feelings again.

So what have I been up to? From a medical point of view, I am still on Fluoxetine once a day. I have a doctors appointment next week where I'm thinking of asking if I can be taken off of it now. The thought is a bit terrifying. What if I go off it and I stop making progress. What if its the chemicals in the tablets that are making me feel better, not myself and my own mind. How will I cope if I start to go backwards again? I've been having CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) once a week for the last few months now, and I think that's moving on to something else this week as well, I'm not sure, I didn't fully understand what they said so I'm just trying to go with the flow on that one. But it's helped, I've learnt some really good techniques to help me keep rational and motivated.

- I've learnt to keep a diary. Obviously for things like appointments and work, but also for other things. I've been scheduling time for things like reading, watching a film, writing, anything that I enjoy doing. The more I carry on doing things that I enjoy the better I feel, the more motivated I am. If I set the schedule at the beginning of the week it feels harder to ignore, and I have to keep remembering that I feel better after I've done these things, and worse if I "give in to the mood".
- I've also learnt to write a list of the worst things that could happen before I do something I'm worrying about, then when I get home to go through the list and see what actually happened verses what I wrote down. Most things I wrote won't have happened, and if something did happen then I can use it as a learning curve. 
- It's okay to ask people for help, in anything you're doing. Literally, no matter what it is. Just ask someone. The most stupid question is the one that you don't ask. 

I'm also working now, originally I was just helping out in a care home but now I'm doing night caring. I'm still on my first learning shifts there but as far as I can tell at the moment I'm really enjoying it. I'll admit having my own money to spend on copious amounts of makeup isn't bad either. I get to use my own money to buy my niece a birthday present this week for the first time ever, and I'm really excited about that, the independence is a big morale boost. But so is the thought that I'm helping people as well. Someone told me once that caring isn't a nice job and they didn't want me to be doing it, which is just making me more determined to succeed.

Apparently I look brighter and happier, and sound better than I have since late last year. I haven't noticed myself but a lot of people have told me that, so I'm guessing it must be true.

I've made a lot of progress that I don't always see myself, so it helps to stop sometimes and write it down, to see the things that I've done otherwise they're easy to ignore, and it's easy to sit there and think that you haven't made any positive changes.

However, there are still things that aren't right. Sometimes I still wake up at 4am in tears over everything that happened, and how I felt at the time. I'm never going to forget the nights that I sat up in my bed just desperate for everything to end. And yes, by end I mean that I was suicidal. I'm sure I've said that here before. If not, then here it is. I was suicidal and I wanted to kill myself. I'm using my phone again properly, but after I'd deleted every single message on there that was sent before and during the break down and started on a clean slate again. I've still not seen any of my friends, apart from one. But there are a few I speak to on a daily basis that I would love to have the courage to meet up with and spend time with in person for the first time in a long time. There are feelings I'm having that I didn't think I would have again for a long time. I don't know when I'll be brave enough to act upon those feelings, but I'd like to be able to.

It's been a long old road to be honest and it's been ridiculously hard. I've lost a tonne of friends, through my fault and their fault but I've had to just accept that. The friends I still have are great people, and I care deeply about them. I've still got further to go on the road to recovering completely from what happened to me, and even during the short time I've been going to CBT I've already had a relapse with my anxiety, but that's okay, that is going to happen sometimes.


Anyway, I have to go and eat and get ready for a loooong night shift. I know no one looks at this anymore, and maybe I'll pop the link up somewhere for people to find at some point. But I just wanted to put this here while I had the time to stop and write it.

Rosie xx

Mind Wander 2.

So here I am. It's a Tuesday again. Like I've said before, my least favourite day of the week is a Tuesday. Everything bad that's happened to me has happened on a Tuesday. My grandad died on a Tuesday. He was buried on a Tuesday. The Breakdown started on a Tuesday. I spend most Tuesdays alone. They're just not good days for me. For a while I didn't have to spend them alone, but now I do. So here I am. Sat on my own, in my room, in pyjamas with pictures of cakes all over them, drinking water and watching TV.

I had my first counselling appointment last week. Turns out there is something wrong me, and it has a name. Weird to think that my personal inner demons have a title. For a while it made them seem more normal. But right now it doesn't. For future reference guys, I have severe social anxiety, causing a consistent low mood. I have to continue with my Fluoxetine for the foreseeable. But there is an action plan in place with my counselors etc to help me. I'm going to be having CBT to help me recognise triggers, and try to change aspects of my thoughts and behavior. But once again, it's not a cure. I'm still never going to be a normal person. Anxiety and "low mood" are going to plague me for the rest of my life. But one day maybe they won't be the big scary monsters they currently are. Maybe one day they'll just be a tiny little speck on the horizon of my future. I'll learn how to live with them, not to constantly fight against them.

Also different from the last time I wrote on here is that I have a job. I have an employer. I am an employee. I have my name and fingerprint set up on a little machine next to the sign in book. I have to do training. And I can't explain how much I am enjoying learning how to do something. When I went for my first day of training last week (on a Tuesday actually) I was terrified. I nearly didn't go. I fully expected to wake up that morning, refuse to go and stay in bed. But I didn't. Some how I managed to be brave enough to wake up at 8am, get dressed, eat, leave the house, walk to work, and stay there all day, in a place I didn't know, with people I didn't know. I should be incredibly proud of myself. And I am, sort of. I like that my day goes really quickly while I'm there. I like that no one knows much about me so no one treats me differently. I like that everyone there is older than me, so the topics of conversation are totally different from what I'm used to. I like having things to say to other people when I get home other than "today I played Sims and took my niece for a walk." I like that I will eventually have my own money and I'll be able to get my mum a nice birthday present this year. But I also still miss everything that I lost.

I normally like to try and make these as positive as I can. So where else have I improved? I've been wearing makeup and nice clothes again, where I can. I've not cried for a while. I've found tiny things that I enjoy again, like having a nice bath or watching some films, that kind of thing. I sleep nearly every night before 1am. For the last 3 years I have been awake until 2 or 3am every day.

Something still just doesn't feel right though. And I don't know when it will either.