Sunday, 21 August 2016

Things I Still Can't Do.

The last few posts have been full of things that I've been moving on and improving on, because I've been lucky enough to have a good few weeks. However this weekend a few little things have set me back. I feel like because I thought I was doing so well, it's been quite a shock to suddenly not be doing well, maybe I was trying to fly before I could even take a few baby steps. I know I should probably be all like "it's okay to have a set back" or whatever, and it is. And you can remind people of that all you want. But you won't be able to take away that feeling of failure and despair having a set back gives you.

A list of things that I still can't do. 

1. I still can't relax and enjoy things like I used to. I'm very rarely able to just sit and do nothing without remembering things when I least want to. 

2. I still can't spend any longer in the bath or shower than I need to, for some reason baths and showers have always been my happy place, I use a nice bathbomb, wash my hair, and just relax. This last week, 99% of the time I've left the bath or shower nearly in tears. 

3. I still can't stop the flashbacks or the dreams about things that have happened. This is the most bizzare one. I don't want any form of relationship with the people I've lost at all, but for some reason during the last week I've had a lot of dreams about them, or sudden flash backs of how I was left to feel. 

4. I still struggle to speak about what happened, and by struggle I mean I can not talk about anything from The Break Down period of my life. Will I ever? I don't know. Probably not. I'ts not because the people mean anything to me now, it's more that I can't bear to remember what I did to myself back then. The empty hours, the mental and physical harm I caused to myself, just the general darkness of that time. 

5. I still can't understand how I feel about people. The people that were in my life once and the people that are in my life now. Family, friends, anyone. 

I don't really know fully where this post is going if I am totally honest with you. I've just got a lot in my little head. 

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