A list of things that I still can't do.
1. I still can't relax and enjoy things like I used to. I'm very rarely able to just sit and do nothing without remembering things when I least want to.
2. I still can't spend any longer in the bath or shower than I need to, for some reason baths and showers have always been my happy place, I use a nice bathbomb, wash my hair, and just relax. This last week, 99% of the time I've left the bath or shower nearly in tears.
3. I still can't stop the flashbacks or the dreams about things that have happened. This is the most bizzare one. I don't want any form of relationship with the people I've lost at all, but for some reason during the last week I've had a lot of dreams about them, or sudden flash backs of how I was left to feel.
4. I still struggle to speak about what happened, and by struggle I mean I can not talk about anything from The Break Down period of my life. Will I ever? I don't know. Probably not. I'ts not because the people mean anything to me now, it's more that I can't bear to remember what I did to myself back then. The empty hours, the mental and physical harm I caused to myself, just the general darkness of that time.
5. I still can't understand how I feel about people. The people that were in my life once and the people that are in my life now. Family, friends, anyone.
I don't really know fully where this post is going if I am totally honest with you. I've just got a lot in my little head.