Sunday, 21 August 2016

Things I Still Can't Do.

The last few posts have been full of things that I've been moving on and improving on, because I've been lucky enough to have a good few weeks. However this weekend a few little things have set me back. I feel like because I thought I was doing so well, it's been quite a shock to suddenly not be doing well, maybe I was trying to fly before I could even take a few baby steps. I know I should probably be all like "it's okay to have a set back" or whatever, and it is. And you can remind people of that all you want. But you won't be able to take away that feeling of failure and despair having a set back gives you.

A list of things that I still can't do. 

1. I still can't relax and enjoy things like I used to. I'm very rarely able to just sit and do nothing without remembering things when I least want to. 

2. I still can't spend any longer in the bath or shower than I need to, for some reason baths and showers have always been my happy place, I use a nice bathbomb, wash my hair, and just relax. This last week, 99% of the time I've left the bath or shower nearly in tears. 

3. I still can't stop the flashbacks or the dreams about things that have happened. This is the most bizzare one. I don't want any form of relationship with the people I've lost at all, but for some reason during the last week I've had a lot of dreams about them, or sudden flash backs of how I was left to feel. 

4. I still struggle to speak about what happened, and by struggle I mean I can not talk about anything from The Break Down period of my life. Will I ever? I don't know. Probably not. I'ts not because the people mean anything to me now, it's more that I can't bear to remember what I did to myself back then. The empty hours, the mental and physical harm I caused to myself, just the general darkness of that time. 

5. I still can't understand how I feel about people. The people that were in my life once and the people that are in my life now. Family, friends, anyone. 

I don't really know fully where this post is going if I am totally honest with you. I've just got a lot in my little head. 

Sunday, 7 August 2016

To whom it may concern, (and those it doesn't, because we all know you're going to see it anyway.)

It's been a while since I last wrote on here, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I've been feeling better? Maybe it's because I'm working now and I'd rather do other things than this. Maybe I've just been avoiding thinking about anything that happened a few months ago, at all.

I am still under going mental health treatment, which has taught me a lot about myself. I've been surrounding myself with the wrong people for years now, it turns out. People who were only happy with me as long as I wasn't happier than them, or people who wanted me to continue "failing" at life so they could carry on treating me as their good deed for the day. The other day I went through every form of communication I have and took every single one of these people off it, and where I could, I blocked them. Unfortunately I know that people will still find out things that I'm doing in my life. Not because they're really that interested, but just because that appears to be the way it is. People will always talk.

So here I am once again, to set the record straight, in my own words. Not that that matters. Certain people will still read this and take it in what ever way helps them to sleep at night.

So here it goes.
1. I currently have no anger towards any body. From things I'm learning about myself since, I only really feel a bit sorry for some people, or I don't really feel anything for them at all. And yep, by 'sorry for' I mean I have vast amounts of pity for certain people. Mainly the ones who could only boost their morale or make themselves feel better by putting me down, or by mocking my breakdown. It's kind of sick in a way, and I genuinely feel if my mental health state amused you, or has ever amused you in any way shape or form, then you need to look at your own mental health, because no one should seek pleasure from someone in that situation. If you ever sat around a table with people and laughed at the things I did, or even just didn't tell someone to stop laughing, then I'm afraid, you also need help too, it's not just me.

2. Yes, I did want to kill myself. There is no more I need to add that point. If you don't know anymore about that, then you never will.

3. I don't personally "blame" anyone. I feel there were just certain people and situations that contributed. What happened to me would have happened no matter what it was. The next big thing that happened would have sent me in to the same situation. I accept I am to blame too. Not in the way other people want me to blame myself, but in other ways, yes it was totally my own fault as well.

So yes. 4 months ago, I wanted to kill myself. I was at rock bottom. But thank you to all the people that put me there. Without you, I was never going to be able to get the mental health help that I needed, as in the NHS it is totally possible to be "not unwell enough" to qualify for treatment. I'm receiving the correct form of treatment that I need. Without the help of the people I've cut from my life I wouldn't be in the position I am in now, which I personally count as the best life position I have ever been in. Without that happening I wouldn't know how strong I actually am as a person.