Tuesday, 27 September 2016

Looks like it's that time again, to get my own word out there.

So today I encountered my first piece of life drama for a while, and I have to admit that it turns out I am a little bit out of practice. I don't even react to it the same way I used to. Anyone who knows me knows that I used to adore an argument, I wouldn't even think twice about jumping in to one. I thrived off of drama, I didn't think twice about telling people what I thought of them. But when today's drama kicked off, I just didn't want to take part in it anymore. I let the other person rant away and go on and on about it all, and I just didn't have the energy to take part in it. Don't get me wrong, they are loving being able to get sympathy from people, but I'm just not like that anymore. And then I realised something else. (This is a whole train of thought here so bear with me.)

I've just let people shout and scream things at me when they want to. I let an ex boyfriend drunkely text me horrible things at 1am. I let another ex boyfriend regularly shout abuse at me down the phone for years. I've let friends have all kinds of arguments with me, and tell me off for things that I've only just realised that I didn't deserve. I've been letting myself believe that I am a God awful horrendous vile person and it's been suiting other people for me to believe that, and I'm not.

And now I know I'm not these things (for example, I know I'm not a liar, I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not full of myself) I don't need to listen to these things. I can just turn my phone off. I can block numbers. I can block social media profiles. I can make it stop. And that's what I'm going to do from now on. I'm no longer going to accept being told that I am a horrendous person by people who couldn't control me, or couldn't manipulate me to fit in the mold of how they wanted me in their lives. Like I worked out in counselling today (yes, I am still going) any form of relationship- parent, sibling, friend, partner, needs to be equal. There needs to be compromise. You can't say things like "I'll only be her friend if she does/doesn't do this" "I'll only date you if you do this, or don't do that" "if she does this I'll stop talking to her" that's not how it's going to work with me anymore.

Basically, I've finally realised that I don't "deserve" any of this. And that is going to upset a whole load of people, and quite frankly. I don't give a shit. So while all this is going on and being splashed all over Facebook and Twitter, and getting back to people I don't really want it to and you're all sat around talking about it and being horrible about me. Go ahead.

No comments:

Post a Comment