Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Flash backs.

Every now and then recently I've started to suffer from flash backs. Anything can trigger them, a sight, smell, sound or emotion, then before I know it I feel like I'm back in the past again. I have a few specific ones that happen time and time again. I'm wondering if flash backs are like dreams, you know how people reckon if you have a nightmare and talk about it then you won't have that same dream again? I don't know. It's worth a try because these flash backs are starting to grate on my little brain.

The most common one is when I'm sat at home doing nothing, just letting my mind drift off to where it wants to go. For some reason it likes to take me to a specific moment during what I refer to as "The Breakdown" where I'm laying on my bed in the middle of the day, wrapped in my dressing gown, alternating between sobbing and staring in to space, while my mum tries desperately to snap me out of it. I remember how over heated I was wrapped in my grey stripey dressing gown, and now I think how ridiculous I must have looked. I mean my dressing gown has EARS. Imagine this small, stripey, flannel, cat-eared thing laying in a ball on the bed making over the top crying noises. Then almost as suddenly as I was in that moment, I'm back in the present moment.

Sometimes during the night when I wake up at 3am, I remember when also during that time, I was sat in my bed with the spotlight off, and the lamp on, again I was crying, and I was on Google on my iPad. I'd searched the train times of the train stations nearest to me, and was sat there staring at them.

Another one I get a lot at work. I'll be walking in to someones room in the middle of the night, and I'll hear the sound of their nursing bed. Before I know it I'm travelling back to when we were nursing my nan at home before she passed away. I see it clear as anything, I'm sat next to her bed in my grandads old arm chair, and I can hear the sound of her breathing, and the power pack attached to her bed whirring away, and see her small movements through the bars of her nursing bed. I can see that it's dark outside through the curtains we hung up in a panic the day before she came home.

Sometimes when I walk in the bathroom and look at the floor near the bath, I remember how my nan looked down there when she'd fallen on the floor just seconds after she'd had the stroke. I remember hearing the bang, and running up the stairs. I remember noticing that one slipper had come off, and how her face had fallen to one side. I remember how her voice sounded when she tried to tell me what had happened. I remember there was someone here, and how much I wanted them to leave right then and there but I didn't have it in me to say it.

If it was just the superficial things I remembered from these moments it wouldn't be that bad. But for the few seconds I'm in the flash back, I feel all the emotions exactly as I did before when it was actually happening. For example I remember how much I felt like I could easily walk out my front door and in front of the first train to come along. I remember the point where I realised I couldn't carry on living how I was. I remember the heart break every time I looked at my nan in her hospital bed in her lounge, and how it felt to know that she was dying and there was nothing I could do.

I have to accept that these are important moments in my life, and that's why I remember them so strongly. Those moments are the reason I can look after myself again, and the reason I can function, keep toxic people away from me, and the reason my friends mean so much to me. They are how I can make a decision for myself. They're the reason that I'm going in to nursing, and the reason I have the compassion in my job that I do. I'm never going to forget them, but it would be nice to just remember them, not end up back in the moment every single time.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

A Rant.

It's not fair for people to pick me up and drop me whenever they fancy.
No one else to talk to tonight? Oh I'll message Rosie. The next night my messages will go unanswered.
Need your confidence boosting? Oh I'll give Rosie a call. When you feel better, once again, my messages will go unanswered.
Want to piss someone off that I'm friends with? Let's get Rosie involved. Rope me in to your little game.
Make up with that person? Now we're friends I'll blame it all on Rosie. And then you'll get away with what you did, and I'll end up with no friends.
Need someone to make fun of because of their poor life choices? Is Rosie online? She'll do. How much of my life have I spent being ridiculed when I didn't have a job, or when everyone found out how weird my home life is, or before I got my mental health under control? I don't know, but it was enough that I now know to make the jokes before other people do.
Someone's upset you so you need to ring me up and scream abuse at me down the phone? Let me finish this pint and I'll give her a call. Why not, you always have done.

Everyone reading this is going to tell me how dramatic I'm being, how I've over exaggerated the entire thing, but the sad thing is that I haven't. I've got 3 friends in my life that have never done that to me, and those three friends will never understand how much love I have for them. The friends that pulled me back from the brink when everyone else was trying to push me off for their own entertainment. The people that tried to push me? They're all fine. They're swanning around with things in life that I could only ever dream of having. I'm still fighting a daily battle in my mind just to be able to hold a normal conversation, and to make sure I never end up back at my worst point. The point where I was sat in bed sobbing at 3am, searching the train times and the nearest train track, so I knew how much longer I had before I could walk out of the house and throw myself in front of one. There. That's how close I was to ending it all, just over a year ago.

I'm sorry I can't live my life like a normal person, but I'm not a normal person. I've spent my entire life trying to be a normal functioning human being until I couldn't take it anymore. For example, when I was 16-18 I was a normal, exciting person. In a world full of Margarita pizzas, I was a Pepperoni, nothing fancy but  there was a bit more life to me, I didn't care about fitting in, I had a Dora The Explorer backpack for gods sake. I had light in my eyes, and dreams and ambitions. Over the next few years, the light gradually dulled until it just wanted to turn off entirely. To get that light back on, I had to just become the lowly Margarita pizza. I have to stick to routines and medications to keep myself going. I have to surround myself with things, and people I know. I can't just do spontaneous things anymore. For example I have to do a bedtime routine every night to help me sleep because I know that getting enough sleep helps to keep me out of the previous depression and anxiety ridden phases of my life. I have to not see people or speak to people that I'd love too, because I need to look after myself now. I can't make attachments to people because I can't cope. I can't ever risk going back where I was in the past. If that means I have to stay a generic, boring, routine Margarita pizza, then so be it I guess.

Tuesday, 11 July 2017


It's my birthday on Thursday. I'm going to be 25. Officially in the latter twenties, and I'm not sure how I feel about it if I'm honest. In my mind, I'm neither responsible enough or tall enough to be 25. It's not going to be an enjoyable birthday. My nan was super in to birthdays. You'd go downstairs in the morning, and she'd emerge from her bedroom or the kitchen singing Happy Birthday To You. She'd always have your card out and ready on the dining table. Later on if there was a birthday cake, she'd sing Happy Birthday again, harmonizing as she sang. Even though she said she didn't care much for her own birthday, she always made sure to make a big deal over yours. I'm not just facing my first birthday without her, I'm facing my first birthday with no grandparents there at all, which has never happened before.

Last years birthday was a strange one too. I wasn't long post-breakdown, and I had just started my current job. I had the grand total of two friends at the time, but I wasn't ready to leave my house to see anyone. This year social wise was a bit better. I went for drinks with a good girl-friend of mine, and tomorrow I'm going for ice cream with another friend of mine.

As for my general life situation from last year, there's been serious changes. I'm officially a student and in over £3000 worth of debt because of that fact. I'm enrolled on an Access to Nursing course, and in November I'll be applying to universities. I'm comfortable in my job and I adore it. I've got some good friends.

Basically what I'm trying to say is I have some really deep emotional stuff to talk about, but I don't know how to start so I'm going to talk about superficial rubbish and hope that you all fall for it.

See you next time,