Tuesday, 13 February 2018

This time last year.

This time last year, my life was in chaos. For once, not even a self induced chaos, but an unavoidable life circumstances chaos. This time last year, my nan had had her stroke (yes, the one I found her on the bathroom floor after) and she was in hospital. My life was a constant mad rush of doing my night shifts, doing the half hour drive to the hospital everyday I could, looking after my niece, and seeing family I'd not seen for a very long time.
This time last year though, I had hope. At this point I'm pretty sure I still thought there was a strong chance that she would come home. I knew she wouldn't be the physically capable woman that she'd been before. But I thought she'd be coming home to stay for a while. Instead, fairly quickly that idea was replaced by the harsh reality that she was indeed coming home. But she wasn't coming to stay. We were bringing her home to pass away where she wanted to.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is going to be really. It helps to sit and talk about it I think, and yes I know this isn't really talking. It's typing to myself, but it still helps. Just sit here and say whatever I want to. I'm struggling to get the image of the hospital out of my mind at the moment. I know that will pass. At the end of January, the only image I had was of her on the bathroom floor after I found her that Tuesday night.

Sometimes I can't get over the journey I've been on since. In the last year I've done things that I never thought I would do. Like I think I've said before, I started 2017 by saying to people "nothing will change this year, I'm going to just stay comfortable" and then of course everything changed. Literally everything. I started the year with a part time job, a crappy relationship-type thing, my nan and a dog. I ended it doing part time work and college, being single and happy, with new friends but no nanny and no dog. Where as this time last year I was dealing with the hospital chaos, this year I'm in the midst of  a 'normal' life chaos. I'm fighting off assignment deadlines, university interviews, early mornings at work. I've got new friends (who are probably some of the best people I've ever met in my entire life. Seriously.)

Right now I'm sat here looking at my Cancer Research Unity bracelet. For the first time in my life, I donate to Cancer charities as someone who has actually had cancer affect my life. This time last year I was just donating because it made me feel better. Now I donate because I fully understand the work they do. Literally, any single one I come across.

Tuesdays are still my least favourite day of the week, and I don't think that will ever change. Tuesday is still the day grandad passed away on, the day we buried him on. The day nan had her stroke. The day I feel the most lonely and the least motivated of them all.

I got my hair dyed today. I got all the blonde taken out, and a fair bit of length cut off the ends. I love it, but now all I can think is that I wonder if my nan would like it. She used to be my guide on when my hair needed doing. She would start making comments about how ratty it was looking, how long my roots were, how bad my ends were. I used to love going to get my hair done, yes it helped that a lot of the time she'd help me out in paying for it (bless her heart) but now I can't stand getting it done, or anything to do with my hair. If anyone tells me it needs doing I ignore them. In my mind, even a year later it's still my nan's job to tell me when to get my hair done. Like the time she sent me back before a night out when I'd backcombed my hair, to go and brush all the tangles out. I love the fact I have those memories. But I hate the fact that they are memories now. How hard it is that your best friend is just a beautiful memory now. Even harder that there is no way of changing that.

Love from,

P.S I got my first university place offer the other week. Check me out.