I'm not sure when I last wrote here? I think it was about a month ago, things are changing so quickly in my mind at the moment that I don't really know how to cope with it all, so I decided to stop writing for a while. I felt like although the writing helped to an extent it was also allowing me to wallow in what had happened to me, and maybe it wasn't helping me move forward as much as it could be. I'll never be able to go back and read what I wrote when I was at my worst, I don't think I'll ever be ready to face those feelings again.
So what have I been up to? From a medical point of view, I am still on Fluoxetine once a day. I have a doctors appointment next week where I'm thinking of asking if I can be taken off of it now. The thought is a bit terrifying. What if I go off it and I stop making progress. What if its the chemicals in the tablets that are making me feel better, not myself and my own mind. How will I cope if I start to go backwards again? I've been having CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) once a week for the last few months now, and I think that's moving on to something else this week as well, I'm not sure, I didn't fully understand what they said so I'm just trying to go with the flow on that one. But it's helped, I've learnt some really good techniques to help me keep rational and motivated.
- I've learnt to keep a diary. Obviously for things like appointments and work, but also for other things. I've been scheduling time for things like reading, watching a film, writing, anything that I enjoy doing. The more I carry on doing things that I enjoy the better I feel, the more motivated I am. If I set the schedule at the beginning of the week it feels harder to ignore, and I have to keep remembering that I feel better after I've done these things, and worse if I "give in to the mood".
- I've also learnt to write a list of the worst things that could happen before I do something I'm worrying about, then when I get home to go through the list and see what actually happened verses what I wrote down. Most things I wrote won't have happened, and if something did happen then I can use it as a learning curve.
- It's okay to ask people for help, in anything you're doing. Literally, no matter what it is. Just ask someone. The most stupid question is the one that you don't ask.
I'm also working now, originally I was just helping out in a care home but now I'm doing night caring. I'm still on my first learning shifts there but as far as I can tell at the moment I'm really enjoying it. I'll admit having my own money to spend on copious amounts of makeup isn't bad either. I get to use my own money to buy my niece a birthday present this week for the first time ever, and I'm really excited about that, the independence is a big morale boost. But so is the thought that I'm helping people as well. Someone told me once that caring isn't a nice job and they didn't want me to be doing it, which is just making me more determined to succeed.
Apparently I look brighter and happier, and sound better than I have since late last year. I haven't noticed myself but a lot of people have told me that, so I'm guessing it must be true.
I've made a lot of progress that I don't always see myself, so it helps to stop sometimes and write it down, to see the things that I've done otherwise they're easy to ignore, and it's easy to sit there and think that you haven't made any positive changes.
However, there are still things that aren't right. Sometimes I still wake up at 4am in tears over everything that happened, and how I felt at the time. I'm never going to forget the nights that I sat up in my bed just desperate for everything to end. And yes, by end I mean that I was suicidal. I'm sure I've said that here before. If not, then here it is. I was suicidal and I wanted to kill myself. I'm using my phone again properly, but after I'd deleted every single message on there that was sent before and during the break down and started on a clean slate again. I've still not seen any of my friends, apart from one. But there are a few I speak to on a daily basis that I would love to have the courage to meet up with and spend time with in person for the first time in a long time. There are feelings I'm having that I didn't think I would have again for a long time. I don't know when I'll be brave enough to act upon those feelings, but I'd like to be able to.
It's been a long old road to be honest and it's been ridiculously hard. I've lost a tonne of friends, through my fault and their fault but I've had to just accept that. The friends I still have are great people, and I care deeply about them. I've still got further to go on the road to recovering completely from what happened to me, and even during the short time I've been going to CBT I've already had a relapse with my anxiety, but that's okay, that is going to happen sometimes.
Anyway, I have to go and eat and get ready for a loooong night shift. I know no one looks at this anymore, and maybe I'll pop the link up somewhere for people to find at some point. But I just wanted to put this here while I had the time to stop and write it.