Thursday, 31 May 2018


You know those times you have when you're getting ready to go out somewhere, and nothing looks nice? Or when you're doing your makeup and the liner goes all wrong? If you make a mistake and then can't fix? Those times where you really dislike yourself, or really get disappointed in yourself? Yeah, everyone gets those. But imagine how it feels, to hate yourself. Not to just dislike yourself a little bit, not to just 'hate' your thighs or stomach or face. Not to get annoyed by personality traits. But to look in a mirror or just sit there everyday and only consider how much you loathe everything about yourself.

Ever wondered how that feels? Well, I'll tell you. It feels like heartbreak, every time you remember that you are you. It feels like you're a freak, like you grew this body and brain yourself yet you can't stand it. To think that you would do anything to accept yourself, just for 5 seconds. You don't want a new body, or a new personality or anything like that. You just want to accept yourself. In a lot of self hatred you think the problem would be solved if you got right of your thighs/stomach/personality traits. However in this form of self hated changing those things wouldn't matter, you'd move your hate your new self.

I've always been led to believe that the dislike I held for myself was totally justified. My own dad used to regularly describe to me what a "piece of s**t" he thought I was; in detail. My ex boyfriend, the first person I thought I'd properly fallen for, used to tell me that I was chubby, not very pretty, that his ex-girlfriend did things that I wouldn't. Then came the assassination of my character traits, the comments on that I was the most boring person he'd ever met, I was hard to be around, I was unlovable, his parents didn't know why bothered with me, I had no friends because no one could stand to be around me for long enough. The teenage x-boyfriend who cheated on me constantly and told me all the horrible things those girls said about me. The 'friend' that told me everyone pretended to like me and I should "go and get hit by a bus". All that top of the times my own physical body let me down. Turns out growing a brain that doesn't work properly without ingesting copious amounts of tablet form serotonin, and a spine that is unable to grow in a straight line isn't good for your self belief. 

It's at a point no where no matter what nice things someone says to me, I don't believe them, and I ignore what they say and I push them away. Then when, obviously, they stop saying these things I panic that they're trying to ditch me and not be my friend or whatever anymore. It doesn't cross my mind that they've stopped saying these things because who's going to compliment someone who does nothing but tell them that what they're saying is wrong? No one. I don't know why this bothers me, it could be some thing to do with that phrase that's all like, if you can't love yourself then who is going to love you? In my case it's that I've never had anyone show me there's anything to even like about myself, never mind love myself. I can't carry on with this, it's too intense and it's too much. The second I start to like someone or want to be someones friend all that happens is that my brain starts a fucking parade, with huge banners and neon lights that spell out all the reasons that no one will like me, and all the reasons that I don't like myself. I can't help that, I have no control over that parade,  despite my years of trying.

I'm going to live in a constant cycle of meeting new people, and scaring them off with my negativity and my deep unnecessary hatred of myself. I'm going to spend my life, meeting people and behaving normally. Then them getting to know me and behaving like a lunatic. Them trying to leave me and me upping my insanity standards by 110%. Them actually leaving, even when I'd do anything to be able to get them to stay. That's all I'm ever going to get. I need to make peace with it.

At the moment, I can't. I can't come to terms with how much I hate myself no matter how hard I try. I can't accept my big forehead, my long nose, wonky teeth, fat arms, flabby stomach, scarred torso, my metal spine, my big thighs, my weird knees and my awkward feet. I can't accept that I am sad, lonely, miserable and pathetic. Maybe if I could accept these things my life pattern would change? People would want to be my friend, they'd like me back, they wouldn't laugh at me or ridicule me. I just don't ever see that happening.