Sunday, 7 August 2016

To whom it may concern, (and those it doesn't, because we all know you're going to see it anyway.)

It's been a while since I last wrote on here, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I've been feeling better? Maybe it's because I'm working now and I'd rather do other things than this. Maybe I've just been avoiding thinking about anything that happened a few months ago, at all.

I am still under going mental health treatment, which has taught me a lot about myself. I've been surrounding myself with the wrong people for years now, it turns out. People who were only happy with me as long as I wasn't happier than them, or people who wanted me to continue "failing" at life so they could carry on treating me as their good deed for the day. The other day I went through every form of communication I have and took every single one of these people off it, and where I could, I blocked them. Unfortunately I know that people will still find out things that I'm doing in my life. Not because they're really that interested, but just because that appears to be the way it is. People will always talk.

So here I am once again, to set the record straight, in my own words. Not that that matters. Certain people will still read this and take it in what ever way helps them to sleep at night.

So here it goes.
1. I currently have no anger towards any body. From things I'm learning about myself since, I only really feel a bit sorry for some people, or I don't really feel anything for them at all. And yep, by 'sorry for' I mean I have vast amounts of pity for certain people. Mainly the ones who could only boost their morale or make themselves feel better by putting me down, or by mocking my breakdown. It's kind of sick in a way, and I genuinely feel if my mental health state amused you, or has ever amused you in any way shape or form, then you need to look at your own mental health, because no one should seek pleasure from someone in that situation. If you ever sat around a table with people and laughed at the things I did, or even just didn't tell someone to stop laughing, then I'm afraid, you also need help too, it's not just me.

2. Yes, I did want to kill myself. There is no more I need to add that point. If you don't know anymore about that, then you never will.

3. I don't personally "blame" anyone. I feel there were just certain people and situations that contributed. What happened to me would have happened no matter what it was. The next big thing that happened would have sent me in to the same situation. I accept I am to blame too. Not in the way other people want me to blame myself, but in other ways, yes it was totally my own fault as well.

So yes. 4 months ago, I wanted to kill myself. I was at rock bottom. But thank you to all the people that put me there. Without you, I was never going to be able to get the mental health help that I needed, as in the NHS it is totally possible to be "not unwell enough" to qualify for treatment. I'm receiving the correct form of treatment that I need. Without the help of the people I've cut from my life I wouldn't be in the position I am in now, which I personally count as the best life position I have ever been in. Without that happening I wouldn't know how strong I actually am as a person.

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