One of the few things consistent about depression, is that it will come back. No matter how hard you try, it will come back. It will feel different every time it comes back. (Sometimes its not so bad, sometimes its worse, the reason is always different etc.) Either way, it will come back.
I've been doing pretty well lately. I finished my psycho-dynamic therapy and I'm just seeing how things go in my mind. I still take my daily antidepressant. Somethings that used to be impossible are now a part of my life I don't even worry about, when I'm in a really good mood I can even have a conversation with a stranger. However, sometimes it's like being on a roundabout, I can feel the depression coming back around again.
Could it be that Christmas is just around the corner? Christmas isn't my favourite time of year anyway. However seeing all these gorgeous night out and party clothes in the shops is like a big slap in the face reminder that through various reasons, I don't have any of my "going out-out" friends anymore. Could it be the end of my therapy finishing? Being emotionally alone for the first time in a long time (by alone I mean having no mental health professionals around me) is a scary idea, anything that comes up I have to deal with on my own for the first time in a while. Family? Friends? Love life? Work? The weather? Inanimate objects?
Anything? Any ideas? Anyone?...
I don't know what it is right now. However, it's never nice to be reminded that depression, anxiety, any mental health problems in general don't ever really leave you, they just have moments where they fade in to the background and you manage to co-exist together for a while. It's important to remember it won't ever go fully away, otherwise each time it returns it's just a massive punch in the face. But, it's even more important to remember the only other thing consistent about depression is that eventually, it will go away again. To repeat myself at the beginning of this post- it will go away again. No matter how hard you try, it will go away again.
Tuesday, 1 November 2016
Thank you for making me miserable. Thank you for making sure I ended up in such a dark, horrendous place that I had to do something about it. Thank you for making my life so unbearable, and making realise how obviously miserable I was. Without you being such a horrendous person, I would never have been a bad enough place to finally get the help I needed. I would never have wanted to kill myself, and I would never have taken such clear notice of all the reasons I had to stay alive. Thank you for all the times you let me down, making plans with me to never turn up. Thank you for telling me that I was a psycho, maybe I needed to realise that, I was in desperate need of mental health help after all. Thank you for telling me I couldn't do things, thank you for telling me I'd never amount to anything. Thank you for making me realise that I hate spending all day sat around doing nothing waiting for other people to wake up, turn up, or answer their phones. Thank you for making fun of my breakdown. Which one of us is sat there mocking someone who was mentally unwell and is now trying hard to help themselves, and which one of us is actually out there improving, growing, learning and healing? Thank you for ignoring me, with out all that time to myself I might never have learnt so much about myself, or had the time to work out who I am.
Who am I though? I am Rosie. I am 24 years old. I am a night care assistant in a care home. During the days when I can, I go in to work and do laundry there. I have severe social anxiety, and episodes of depression. I take antidepressants every day. I like to eat lots and lots of biscuits, and I like to put too much sugar in my tea and coffee. I like to play Sims, I like to read books. I like to read Daily Mail online and read about the Kardashians. I love to watch a show called Dance Moms, to be honest I really like watching any reality TV. I would rather spend a night wrapped in my blanket, colouring in and watching TV than going on a night out that I am not going to enjoy. I like to go for coffee, shopping or meals with my friends. I like chasing my niece around the house making tiger noises for hours on end, as much as I complain about it. Most importantly, I have gained some self confidence that I didn't know I had, that I never thought I deserved to have. I have learnt to trust myself in making decisions.
On a brighter note, here are some good thank you's. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for answering the phone to me. Thank you for still being my friend even though depression and anxiety took over and I wasn't able to come and see you for years on end. Thank you for taking me out for a drink in the evenings and singing Disney songs with me on the way home. Thank you for staying awake until 1am with me talking about superheros and Star Wars. Thank you for letting me come in to your bedroom at 6am and comforting me while I sobbed uncontrollably. Thank you for being 2 years old and teaching me to see the world through your eyes. Thank you for making me spend hours sat on the floor building towers of blocks and making teddy bears talk with different accents. Thank you for buying me my first Pumpkin Spice Latte. Thank you for letting me buy you your first Millie's Cookies. Thank you for making me realise it's possible to have feelings for someone again. Thank you for letting me stay at your house when I couldn't bear to be left alone, and truthfully, wasn't safe enough to be left alone. Thank you for taking a chance on me and giving me a job. Thank you for looking after me at work, showing me how to do things, telling me the right way to go about things. Thank you for being a fantastic group of people to work with, and thank you for having patience with me while I'm learning. Thank you for being the best family and friends that I could have ever had.