Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Flash backs.

Every now and then recently I've started to suffer from flash backs. Anything can trigger them, a sight, smell, sound or emotion, then before I know it I feel like I'm back in the past again. I have a few specific ones that happen time and time again. I'm wondering if flash backs are like dreams, you know how people reckon if you have a nightmare and talk about it then you won't have that same dream again? I don't know. It's worth a try because these flash backs are starting to grate on my little brain.

The most common one is when I'm sat at home doing nothing, just letting my mind drift off to where it wants to go. For some reason it likes to take me to a specific moment during what I refer to as "The Breakdown" where I'm laying on my bed in the middle of the day, wrapped in my dressing gown, alternating between sobbing and staring in to space, while my mum tries desperately to snap me out of it. I remember how over heated I was wrapped in my grey stripey dressing gown, and now I think how ridiculous I must have looked. I mean my dressing gown has EARS. Imagine this small, stripey, flannel, cat-eared thing laying in a ball on the bed making over the top crying noises. Then almost as suddenly as I was in that moment, I'm back in the present moment.

Sometimes during the night when I wake up at 3am, I remember when also during that time, I was sat in my bed with the spotlight off, and the lamp on, again I was crying, and I was on Google on my iPad. I'd searched the train times of the train stations nearest to me, and was sat there staring at them.

Another one I get a lot at work. I'll be walking in to someones room in the middle of the night, and I'll hear the sound of their nursing bed. Before I know it I'm travelling back to when we were nursing my nan at home before she passed away. I see it clear as anything, I'm sat next to her bed in my grandads old arm chair, and I can hear the sound of her breathing, and the power pack attached to her bed whirring away, and see her small movements through the bars of her nursing bed. I can see that it's dark outside through the curtains we hung up in a panic the day before she came home.

Sometimes when I walk in the bathroom and look at the floor near the bath, I remember how my nan looked down there when she'd fallen on the floor just seconds after she'd had the stroke. I remember hearing the bang, and running up the stairs. I remember noticing that one slipper had come off, and how her face had fallen to one side. I remember how her voice sounded when she tried to tell me what had happened. I remember there was someone here, and how much I wanted them to leave right then and there but I didn't have it in me to say it.


If it was just the superficial things I remembered from these moments it wouldn't be that bad. But for the few seconds I'm in the flash back, I feel all the emotions exactly as I did before when it was actually happening. For example I remember how much I felt like I could easily walk out my front door and in front of the first train to come along. I remember the point where I realised I couldn't carry on living how I was. I remember the heart break every time I looked at my nan in her hospital bed in her lounge, and how it felt to know that she was dying and there was nothing I could do.


I have to accept that these are important moments in my life, and that's why I remember them so strongly. Those moments are the reason I can look after myself again, and the reason I can function, keep toxic people away from me, and the reason my friends mean so much to me. They are how I can make a decision for myself. They're the reason that I'm going in to nursing, and the reason I have the compassion in my job that I do. I'm never going to forget them, but it would be nice to just remember them, not end up back in the moment every single time.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

A Rant.

It's not fair for people to pick me up and drop me whenever they fancy.
No one else to talk to tonight? Oh I'll message Rosie. The next night my messages will go unanswered.
Need your confidence boosting? Oh I'll give Rosie a call. When you feel better, once again, my messages will go unanswered.
Want to piss someone off that I'm friends with? Let's get Rosie involved. Rope me in to your little game.
Make up with that person? Now we're friends I'll blame it all on Rosie. And then you'll get away with what you did, and I'll end up with no friends.
Need someone to make fun of because of their poor life choices? Is Rosie online? She'll do. How much of my life have I spent being ridiculed when I didn't have a job, or when everyone found out how weird my home life is, or before I got my mental health under control? I don't know, but it was enough that I now know to make the jokes before other people do.
Someone's upset you so you need to ring me up and scream abuse at me down the phone? Let me finish this pint and I'll give her a call. Why not, you always have done.


Everyone reading this is going to tell me how dramatic I'm being, how I've over exaggerated the entire thing, but the sad thing is that I haven't. I've got 3 friends in my life that have never done that to me, and those three friends will never understand how much love I have for them. The friends that pulled me back from the brink when everyone else was trying to push me off for their own entertainment. The people that tried to push me? They're all fine. They're swanning around with things in life that I could only ever dream of having. I'm still fighting a daily battle in my mind just to be able to hold a normal conversation, and to make sure I never end up back at my worst point. The point where I was sat in bed sobbing at 3am, searching the train times and the nearest train track, so I knew how much longer I had before I could walk out of the house and throw myself in front of one. There. That's how close I was to ending it all, just over a year ago.

I'm sorry I can't live my life like a normal person, but I'm not a normal person. I've spent my entire life trying to be a normal functioning human being until I couldn't take it anymore. For example, when I was 16-18 I was a normal, exciting person. In a world full of Margarita pizzas, I was a Pepperoni, nothing fancy but  there was a bit more life to me, I didn't care about fitting in, I had a Dora The Explorer backpack for gods sake. I had light in my eyes, and dreams and ambitions. Over the next few years, the light gradually dulled until it just wanted to turn off entirely. To get that light back on, I had to just become the lowly Margarita pizza. I have to stick to routines and medications to keep myself going. I have to surround myself with things, and people I know. I can't just do spontaneous things anymore. For example I have to do a bedtime routine every night to help me sleep because I know that getting enough sleep helps to keep me out of the previous depression and anxiety ridden phases of my life. I have to not see people or speak to people that I'd love too, because I need to look after myself now. I can't make attachments to people because I can't cope. I can't ever risk going back where I was in the past. If that means I have to stay a generic, boring, routine Margarita pizza, then so be it I guess.

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Untitled.

It's my birthday on Thursday. I'm going to be 25. Officially in the latter twenties, and I'm not sure how I feel about it if I'm honest. In my mind, I'm neither responsible enough or tall enough to be 25. It's not going to be an enjoyable birthday. My nan was super in to birthdays. You'd go downstairs in the morning, and she'd emerge from her bedroom or the kitchen singing Happy Birthday To You. She'd always have your card out and ready on the dining table. Later on if there was a birthday cake, she'd sing Happy Birthday again, harmonizing as she sang. Even though she said she didn't care much for her own birthday, she always made sure to make a big deal over yours. I'm not just facing my first birthday without her, I'm facing my first birthday with no grandparents there at all, which has never happened before.

Last years birthday was a strange one too. I wasn't long post-breakdown, and I had just started my current job. I had the grand total of two friends at the time, but I wasn't ready to leave my house to see anyone. This year social wise was a bit better. I went for drinks with a good girl-friend of mine, and tomorrow I'm going for ice cream with another friend of mine.

As for my general life situation from last year, there's been serious changes. I'm officially a student and in over £3000 worth of debt because of that fact. I'm enrolled on an Access to Nursing course, and in November I'll be applying to universities. I'm comfortable in my job and I adore it. I've got some good friends.





Basically what I'm trying to say is I have some really deep emotional stuff to talk about, but I don't know how to start so I'm going to talk about superficial rubbish and hope that you all fall for it.

See you next time,
Rosie.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

Oh well hey there.


I was reminded by someone recently of how much blogging can help. Especially a blog like this that no one reads, where I can just dump the contents of my brain all over it, and there's pretty much no repercussions. I put the link on Twitter, which only about 3 people I like actually use, and it's more or less guaranteed that no one will see it. 

Anyway. I had the best of intentions for this year I really did. I vaguely remember writing a post at the end of the year, bragging on and on about how well I was doing in life and how that was something I was going to carry on well in to 2017 as well. But instead, my entire 2017, my heart, emotions and everything in my life just came crashing down around me. On February 1st, at just about 7.30pm my Nan had a stroke, which in time would leave her with no use of her left side. During her time in hospital with the stroke it was discovered that she had end stage lung cancer with a spread to her spine. After a month in hospital, she came home to a nursing bed in the living room of our house, and carers looking after her during the day. All of a sudden my life became this chaos of looking after her, leaving the house in relays so she was never left alone, sitting by her bedside, making her cups of tea and helping her drink them (much to her frustration) and chasing down various carers and nurses during the day time (or the one time I waited for a nurse until nearly midnight.) On the 19th of March in the early hours of Sunday morning, she passed away relatively peacefully at home, where she had always wanted to be. I've been through the grieving process before, but this is something else entirely. I've never felt such loss and heartbreak as I did during the whole experience. My Nan was my buddy. I told her all the time that she was my best friend, her and my grandad were both like second sets of parents to me. The hardest day by all accounts was her funeral. All I could do the entire service was stare at her coffin and try to beam messages to her of how much I love her and how much I miss her.

One day when Nan was still in hospital I went down for an X-ray with her as she didn't want to go alone. Just me and her in the room we spoke about things that we never had done before, mainly, her telling me that I need to stand up for myself against everyone. I had forgotten this conversation, and I was probably using excuses for things far too much. I was reminded of this the other day by someone, the same person who reminded me that this blog existed actually. I'm pretty good now at being brave in some areas of my life thanks to my Nan. I've been accepted on to an Access To Nursing college course, to go for my nursing degree, in the hopes of becoming a palliative care nurse. I can even sometimes make my own phone calls to hairdressers or work etc. I still prefer to do things by written word, not spoken, but that's just me. 

However there are some aspects of my life where I know no bravery exists whatsoever. I sometimes want to sit here and say 'no. But why them/it/this situation?' 'Why haven't you spoken to me in 5 days, do you think this is good enough?' And then there's other times when I'm quite happy to blend in to the background and just keep unnoticed. To be fair, those blending in moments are probably the reason I have any friends left at all. 

I'm not really sure what the point behind this post was in all honesty. I think there were just things I needed to get out. 


Thank god no one reads this. 
Rosie. 

Saturday, 31 December 2016

Goodbye 2016.

Well, 2016 was on hell of a year wasn't it, not just for me but everyone I know seems to have had quite a turbulent year in someway or another. Now, 2017 is a few hours away, and congratulations everyone, we survived it. Now it's time for the recap. I had too much to put in a Facebook status like other people were doing, so I used my blog instead. Here goes nothing.

How I started 2016-
  • Deeply depressed, with my anxiety at an all time high. 
  • In a supremely unhappy and manipulative relationship, but also completely clueless about it. 
  • Unemployed, going no where fast and not being particularly bothered by it. 
January to April has been kindly blanked out by my brain. I have a few memories of that time but most of them involve tears, panic, arguments and general discontentment with my life. In April, my entire life turned upside down. My horrendous relationship ended, in a pretty brutal way on their part and a pathetic way on my part, and I had a breakdown. I know now it wasn't because of the relationship ending, the end of the relationship was the final crack in my already weak pretense of being a normal, happy person. I couldn't kid myself that I was okay anymore, and I couldn't kid other people that I was okay anymore either. I spent most of April sat in my house, crying, not eating, not talking and genuinely suicidal. 

Yep, 2016 will be known, in part, as the year I wanted to kill myself. And I am okay with admitting that. I know now I wasn't fully suicidal but I did want things to change, and that was the only way I saw it happening at the time. I know lots of people have a brilliant time talking about what happened to me, and mocking it to this day. But while you're all sat in the same place, with the same people, drinking too much and doing the same drugs you've been doing for years, I'm out there getting better, growing and learning. I'd rather be on my path than yours, any day. 

2016 taught me many things. The people I thought were my friends, weren't necessarily my friends. Not everyone will be nice to you because you are nice to them. Not everyone deserves your niceness. Sometimes you need to let yourself be broken for a while. But more importantly, everything is temporary. 


So, how am I ending 2016? 
  • I have the best relationships with people right now that I have ever had. 
  • My mental health problems are currently under control. 
  • I have a job I love, working with people that I love, who have helped me in ways I don't think I can explain. 
  • I have plans and ideas and a list of goals for 2017.  
Its hard not to just see this year as "The Year My Life Fell Apart". 
I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that this was also;
"The Year I Lost My Unhealthy Relationships" 
"The Year I Got A Job" 
"The Year I Went To London And Didn't Have A Panic Attack" 
"The Year I Got To See My Best Friend For The First Time In Far Too Long" 
"The Year I Met People who Changed My Life" 
"The Year I Could Fit In To Size 10 Clothes Again."
"The Year I Learnt To Contour My nose."  

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Consistancy.

One of the few things consistent about depression, is that it will come back. No matter how hard you try, it will come back. It will feel different every time it comes back. (Sometimes its not so bad, sometimes its worse, the reason is always different etc.) Either way, it will come back.

I've been doing pretty well lately. I finished my psycho-dynamic therapy and I'm just seeing how things go in my mind. I still take my daily antidepressant. Somethings that used to be impossible are now a part of my life I don't even worry about, when I'm in a really good mood I can even have a conversation with a stranger. However, sometimes it's like being on a roundabout, I can feel the depression coming back around again.

Could it be that Christmas is just around the corner? Christmas isn't my favourite time of year anyway. However seeing all these gorgeous night out and party clothes in the shops is like a big slap in the face reminder that through various reasons, I don't have any of my "going out-out" friends anymore. Could it be the end of my therapy finishing? Being emotionally alone for the first time in a long time (by alone I mean having no mental health professionals around me) is a scary idea, anything that comes up I have to deal with on my own for the first time in a while. Family? Friends? Love life? Work? The weather? Inanimate objects?
Anything? Any ideas? Anyone?...


I don't know what it is right now. However, it's never nice to be reminded that depression, anxiety, any mental health problems in general don't ever really leave you, they just have moments where they fade in to the background and you manage to co-exist together for a while. It's important to remember it won't ever go fully away, otherwise each time it returns it's just a massive punch in the face. But, it's even more important to remember the only other thing consistent about depression is that eventually, it will go away again. To repeat myself at the beginning of this post- it will go away again. No matter how hard you try, it will go away again.

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Thank you.


Thank you for making me miserable. Thank you for making sure I ended up in such a dark, horrendous place that I had to do something about it. Thank you for making my life so unbearable, and making realise how obviously miserable I was. Without you being such a horrendous person, I would never have been a bad enough place to finally get the help I needed. I would never have wanted to kill myself, and I would never have taken such clear notice of all the reasons I had to stay alive. Thank you for all the times you let me down, making plans with me to never turn up. Thank you for telling me that I was a psycho, maybe I needed to realise that, I was in desperate need of mental health help after all. Thank you for telling me I couldn't do things, thank you for telling me I'd never amount to anything. Thank you for making me realise that I hate spending all day sat around doing nothing waiting for other people to wake up, turn up, or answer their phones. Thank you for making fun of my breakdown. Which one of us is sat there mocking someone who was mentally unwell and is now trying hard to help themselves, and which one of us is actually out there improving, growing, learning and healing? Thank you for ignoring me, with out all that time to myself I might never have learnt so much about myself, or had the time to work out who I am. 

Who am I though? I am Rosie. I am 24 years old. I am a night care assistant in a care home. During the days when I can, I go in to work and do laundry there. I have severe social anxiety, and episodes of depression. I take antidepressants every day. I like to eat lots and lots of biscuits, and I like to put too much sugar in my tea and coffee. I like to play Sims, I like to read books. I like to read Daily Mail online and read about the Kardashians. I love to watch a show called Dance Moms, to be honest I really like watching any reality TV. I would rather spend a night wrapped in my blanket, colouring in and watching TV than going on a night out that I am not going to enjoy. I like to go for coffee, shopping or meals with my friends. I like chasing my niece around the house making tiger noises for hours on end, as much as I complain about it. Most importantly, I have gained some self confidence that I didn't know I had, that I never thought I deserved to have. I have learnt to trust myself in making decisions. 

On a brighter note, here are some good thank you's. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for answering the phone to me. Thank you for still being my friend even though depression and anxiety took over and I wasn't able to come and see you for years on end. Thank you for taking me out for a drink in the evenings and singing Disney songs with me on the way home. Thank you for staying awake until 1am with me talking about superheros and Star Wars. Thank you for letting me come in to your bedroom at 6am and comforting me while I sobbed uncontrollably. Thank you for being 2 years old and teaching me to see the world through your eyes. Thank you for making me spend hours sat on the floor building towers of blocks and making teddy bears talk with different accents. Thank you for buying me my first Pumpkin Spice Latte. Thank you for letting me buy you your first Millie's Cookies. Thank you for making me realise it's possible to have feelings for someone again. Thank you for letting me stay at your house when I couldn't bear to be left alone, and truthfully, wasn't safe enough to be left alone. Thank you for taking a chance on me and giving me a job. Thank you for looking after me at work, showing me how to do things, telling me the right way to go about things. Thank you for being a fantastic group of people to work with, and thank you for having patience with me while I'm learning. Thank you for being the best family and friends that I could have ever had.