Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Mind Wander 2.

So here I am. It's a Tuesday again. Like I've said before, my least favourite day of the week is a Tuesday. Everything bad that's happened to me has happened on a Tuesday. My grandad died on a Tuesday. He was buried on a Tuesday. The Breakdown started on a Tuesday. I spend most Tuesdays alone. They're just not good days for me. For a while I didn't have to spend them alone, but now I do. So here I am. Sat on my own, in my room, in pyjamas with pictures of cakes all over them, drinking water and watching TV.

I had my first counselling appointment last week. Turns out there is something wrong me, and it has a name. Weird to think that my personal inner demons have a title. For a while it made them seem more normal. But right now it doesn't. For future reference guys, I have severe social anxiety, causing a consistent low mood. I have to continue with my Fluoxetine for the foreseeable. But there is an action plan in place with my counselors etc to help me. I'm going to be having CBT to help me recognise triggers, and try to change aspects of my thoughts and behavior. But once again, it's not a cure. I'm still never going to be a normal person. Anxiety and "low mood" are going to plague me for the rest of my life. But one day maybe they won't be the big scary monsters they currently are. Maybe one day they'll just be a tiny little speck on the horizon of my future. I'll learn how to live with them, not to constantly fight against them.

Also different from the last time I wrote on here is that I have a job. I have an employer. I am an employee. I have my name and fingerprint set up on a little machine next to the sign in book. I have to do training. And I can't explain how much I am enjoying learning how to do something. When I went for my first day of training last week (on a Tuesday actually) I was terrified. I nearly didn't go. I fully expected to wake up that morning, refuse to go and stay in bed. But I didn't. Some how I managed to be brave enough to wake up at 8am, get dressed, eat, leave the house, walk to work, and stay there all day, in a place I didn't know, with people I didn't know. I should be incredibly proud of myself. And I am, sort of. I like that my day goes really quickly while I'm there. I like that no one knows much about me so no one treats me differently. I like that everyone there is older than me, so the topics of conversation are totally different from what I'm used to. I like having things to say to other people when I get home other than "today I played Sims and took my niece for a walk." I like that I will eventually have my own money and I'll be able to get my mum a nice birthday present this year. But I also still miss everything that I lost.

I normally like to try and make these as positive as I can. So where else have I improved? I've been wearing makeup and nice clothes again, where I can. I've not cried for a while. I've found tiny things that I enjoy again, like having a nice bath or watching some films, that kind of thing. I sleep nearly every night before 1am. For the last 3 years I have been awake until 2 or 3am every day.

Something still just doesn't feel right though. And I don't know when it will either.

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