Tuesday, 27 September 2016

Looks like it's that time again, to get my own word out there.

So today I encountered my first piece of life drama for a while, and I have to admit that it turns out I am a little bit out of practice. I don't even react to it the same way I used to. Anyone who knows me knows that I used to adore an argument, I wouldn't even think twice about jumping in to one. I thrived off of drama, I didn't think twice about telling people what I thought of them. But when today's drama kicked off, I just didn't want to take part in it anymore. I let the other person rant away and go on and on about it all, and I just didn't have the energy to take part in it. Don't get me wrong, they are loving being able to get sympathy from people, but I'm just not like that anymore. And then I realised something else. (This is a whole train of thought here so bear with me.)

I've just let people shout and scream things at me when they want to. I let an ex boyfriend drunkely text me horrible things at 1am. I let another ex boyfriend regularly shout abuse at me down the phone for years. I've let friends have all kinds of arguments with me, and tell me off for things that I've only just realised that I didn't deserve. I've been letting myself believe that I am a God awful horrendous vile person and it's been suiting other people for me to believe that, and I'm not.

And now I know I'm not these things (for example, I know I'm not a liar, I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not full of myself) I don't need to listen to these things. I can just turn my phone off. I can block numbers. I can block social media profiles. I can make it stop. And that's what I'm going to do from now on. I'm no longer going to accept being told that I am a horrendous person by people who couldn't control me, or couldn't manipulate me to fit in the mold of how they wanted me in their lives. Like I worked out in counselling today (yes, I am still going) any form of relationship- parent, sibling, friend, partner, needs to be equal. There needs to be compromise. You can't say things like "I'll only be her friend if she does/doesn't do this" "I'll only date you if you do this, or don't do that" "if she does this I'll stop talking to her" that's not how it's going to work with me anymore.

Basically, I've finally realised that I don't "deserve" any of this. And that is going to upset a whole load of people, and quite frankly. I don't give a shit. So while all this is going on and being splashed all over Facebook and Twitter, and getting back to people I don't really want it to and you're all sat around talking about it and being horrible about me. Go ahead.

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

Summer 2016.

So it's September, which in my mind means it is autumn. I adore autumn. I am such a little autumn bug it's crazy. I'm not overly looking forward to the memories from last autumn/winter if I'm brutally honest, but I will cross that bridge when it comes to it. Anyway. I sat myself down in my room and turned my computer on, and all of a sudden it dawned on me that I should be so, so, so proud of myself. Bear in mind the place I was in about 6-7 months ago (quick reminder, I wanted to kill myself) and now... I'm in a totally different place. I've lived more this summer than I have done for years. My counselling earlier in the year showed me the importance of writing things down and charting the progress I'm making. So...

Rosie's List Of Progress This Summer. 
1. I got a job. I adore my job, everything about it (I'm still terrified of the stove in the kitchen, but I'm working on that one!) I work with lovely people as well.
2. I have my own money! I can buy myself things with out justifying it to other people, and I can buy other people things as well.
3. I've seen friends I haven't seen for a long, long time.
4. I bought a pair of trainers.
5. I started to drink coffee.
6. I braved two bus journeys on my own to see a friend I haven't seen for years.
7. I went to Colchester Zoo.
8. I left the house every day.
9. I reconnected with old friends I thought I would never hear from again.
10. I lost friends I never anticipated losing, and I don't really mind that much about it.
11. I bought my first crop top. (I now have far too many)
12. I started reading again.
13. I stopped drinking.
14. I stopped being embarrassed over the things I enjoy doing. I'm going to throw it out there now- I LIKE PLAYING SIMS 4. A LOT. It's my favourite pass time.
15. I completed a course of counselling, I'm about to start a new one, and I've already got a course of CBT planned for when I finish the next lot.

And that's it. I don't care about you guys, but I am proud of me.