Sunday, 8 May 2016

Mind wander.

It's midnight in May, and it's currently 17degrees outside. All my winter clothes have been abandoned, and I'm laying on my bed with no duvet on and the fan practically in the bed with me in a desperate attempt to cool down. Unfortunately I am the kind of human being who hates hot weather, with a passion. When the sun comes out and the temperature goes above 15, I don't want to celebrate. I could hibernate all through summer with no problems. I am a total cold weather bunny. Anyway, got weather means that I don't sleep, so I basically spend all of summer in some fog of sleep deprivation desperately waiting for a night when I can snuggle up in my duvet again. Not sleeping means that my brain tends to take itself for walks down thought trails I can avoid during the day, but at night times become lit up with neon signs and make themselves impossible to ignore. So here I am. 

Thoughts I Am Having Right Now. 

1. Just, why? Why me? This is a thought I had when I hit a low point during my Scoliosis diagnoses, treatment and recovery and a thought I'm having again now. The way I see it sometimes (in my horrendously selfish moments) my body already betrayed me by going off and growing an 'S' shaped spine. Why did it have to betray me by also growing a brain that can't function like everyone else's can? Why not one or the other, why both? 

2. Does my ability to run away and hide make me a strong person or a weak person? I know I have the tendency to lose my shit quickly with someone, but after that I tend to never speak to them again. Does that mean I'm weak, because I can't bring myself to face further rejection, and I will take extreme (I haven't looked at my phone for 3 weeks now) measures to avoid someone or something? Or does it mean I'm strong because I can see where I've crossed a line somewhere and step back, and leave people to do what they wanted to do? Is it a mix of both? Maybe the things I'm running away from are best left alone. Maybe they're happier with out me, or moving on better without me. Maybe even if I went back to these situations they wouldn't work now for them. Maybe they wouldn't work for me? 

3. Maybe 'life' (or fate, or God, or whatever higher being you believe in) gave me something and then changed it to help me learn about myself, to stop the denial I was in over how bad my mental health was. Maybe life decided I needed to lose something I cared about through my own faults to actually be able to see them? I've been coasting through life for the last 4 years, more just existing than actually living. I ignored the signs I needed to change for so long that maybe fate decided I could no longer ignore it? In the last few weeks I've achieved more than I have for years. Not massive goals by the average persons standards, but to my own personal anxiety and depression demons, they are huge goals. I went 'public' with my depression. I wake up every day and leave the house. At the weekend I did an hours bus journey from a place I didn't know on my own and stayed quite calm. On Wednesday I went and had a conversation with someone I didn't know, on my own and filled in an application form. On Friday I got a phone call telling me when my training starts. But would I have done these things if it hadn't been for The Breakdown and subsequent events? Or would I have just carried on coasting? Am I doing all these things now for the right reasons. 

4. What are other people making of this whole thing? I made the decision to not hide how I feel anymore and everyone I've spoken to has been hugely supportive. But unfortunately I'm the type of person to always worry about what the people who aren't speaking to me are thinking. Do they think I'm attention seeking? Do they think I'm just being a pain in the backside? Do they wish I'd just shut up? Do they know about the big steps I've made? Do they care about them? I know the majority don't care. Not in a horrible way, perhaps I just don't know them well enough for my problems to be an issue to them, that kind of thing. 

Anyway, it's 12.37am now, and still 17 degrees but I need to try and sleep. Sometimes writing actually helps me once I get back in to bed, hence why most of my posts have been written between the hours of 11pm and 2am. 

No comments:

Post a Comment