Tuesday, 18 July 2017

A Rant.

It's not fair for people to pick me up and drop me whenever they fancy.
No one else to talk to tonight? Oh I'll message Rosie. The next night my messages will go unanswered.
Need your confidence boosting? Oh I'll give Rosie a call. When you feel better, once again, my messages will go unanswered.
Want to piss someone off that I'm friends with? Let's get Rosie involved. Rope me in to your little game.
Make up with that person? Now we're friends I'll blame it all on Rosie. And then you'll get away with what you did, and I'll end up with no friends.
Need someone to make fun of because of their poor life choices? Is Rosie online? She'll do. How much of my life have I spent being ridiculed when I didn't have a job, or when everyone found out how weird my home life is, or before I got my mental health under control? I don't know, but it was enough that I now know to make the jokes before other people do.
Someone's upset you so you need to ring me up and scream abuse at me down the phone? Let me finish this pint and I'll give her a call. Why not, you always have done.

Everyone reading this is going to tell me how dramatic I'm being, how I've over exaggerated the entire thing, but the sad thing is that I haven't. I've got 3 friends in my life that have never done that to me, and those three friends will never understand how much love I have for them. The friends that pulled me back from the brink when everyone else was trying to push me off for their own entertainment. The people that tried to push me? They're all fine. They're swanning around with things in life that I could only ever dream of having. I'm still fighting a daily battle in my mind just to be able to hold a normal conversation, and to make sure I never end up back at my worst point. The point where I was sat in bed sobbing at 3am, searching the train times and the nearest train track, so I knew how much longer I had before I could walk out of the house and throw myself in front of one. There. That's how close I was to ending it all, just over a year ago.

I'm sorry I can't live my life like a normal person, but I'm not a normal person. I've spent my entire life trying to be a normal functioning human being until I couldn't take it anymore. For example, when I was 16-18 I was a normal, exciting person. In a world full of Margarita pizzas, I was a Pepperoni, nothing fancy but  there was a bit more life to me, I didn't care about fitting in, I had a Dora The Explorer backpack for gods sake. I had light in my eyes, and dreams and ambitions. Over the next few years, the light gradually dulled until it just wanted to turn off entirely. To get that light back on, I had to just become the lowly Margarita pizza. I have to stick to routines and medications to keep myself going. I have to surround myself with things, and people I know. I can't just do spontaneous things anymore. For example I have to do a bedtime routine every night to help me sleep because I know that getting enough sleep helps to keep me out of the previous depression and anxiety ridden phases of my life. I have to not see people or speak to people that I'd love too, because I need to look after myself now. I can't make attachments to people because I can't cope. I can't ever risk going back where I was in the past. If that means I have to stay a generic, boring, routine Margarita pizza, then so be it I guess.

No comments:

Post a Comment