Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Tuesdays, again.

Right now on top of everything else, I have a cold. I think it's a cold, it could be a chest infection. Every time I breath I wheeze, and I've been coughing for 2 straight days now. I'm not loving life, and I'm not sure what I can take for it because I don't know what is going to mix with my antidepressants, and I'm not willing to screw those up right now. It's also a Tuesday, so I am home alone. For the last God knows how long I've had company on a Tuesday night, and before that I was in the frame of mind to go and seek company if I wished to.

So whats new? I said I'm now on the repeat prescription for Fluoextine, I think? I'm taking it at night times before bed, because the doctor reckoned it would help me sleep. It's not really working, for the last 2 nights I've woken up every hour on the hour, but that could be the cold. It's another thing I can't judge for a while. I still haven't looked at my phone. I have it turned on in case someone calls me, or in case of an emergency but it's been a month now, and I haven't needed it. I don't miss it either bizarrely. I know how not normal it is to be avoiding it, and it's something I'm planning on working on with my counselors when that starts, which is in less than 2 weeks now I think. It's just an assessment appointment. They're often the worst one, but they're the first step to any help.

You have to sit in a room with a total strange you've never met before and be totally and completely honest with them about how you feel. Thought about hurting yourself lately? They need to know. Wanted to kill yourself again? They need to know. Cried yourself to sleep for how many days? They need to know. This absolute stranger has roughly half an hour to access your deepest, darkest thoughts and assess what they can or can't do for you. It's terrifying.

I'm going to speak to someone about a job tomorrow. Don't get too excited, it's not much, but it's something. I know it needs to be done, it will get me out of the house, and get me speaking to new people. But the pessimist in me can't help but think it's too little too late. My lack of a job led to losing so much and I didn't even realise. Can I get those things back? I'd love to. But those people/situations or whatever it is aren't going to want me anymore and that's what I have to deal with.

No comments:

Post a Comment