Sunday, 17 April 2016

Why I made that last post public & A Midnight Thought Ramble.

Why did I make that last post public? Why the hell not. I realised as long as I'm ashamed and hiding it and not owning what I am, I'm never going to get better. How do you recover when you can't admit you're ill? If I'd broken my leg I'd be all over Facebook posting pictures of my cast, getting people to sign it, posting updates on how much it hurts. Why the hell can't I do the same thing with depression? It's no less real than a broken leg. Why is it so abnormal to post 'hey guys, I'm feeling sad today?' No one complains (that much) when I tell everyone I'm getting take away for dinner, or I have a headache. Why should they complain that I have; shock horror, dared to publicise my emotions? 

When did emotions become this thing that no one could talk about unless they were positive? If someone posts 'I'm so happy today!' It will get liked and commented on for hours, no one will think anymore of it. However if someone posts 'I'm so sad today!' The post will probably get ignored, no one will know what to say. But then without knowing the facts it will most likely be taken to other people and ridiculed. How do I know this? Because I've done it myself. Everyone has done it. 'Have you seen So And So posting about how upset she is all the time? It's so annoying.' I feel awful for it now, and these days I wouldn't dare think that about someone. However, would I contact them and tell them it gets better and try to help them? I'm not so sure. 

People did however message me after my previous post, from friends I've known for a long time to people that I've either never spoken to before, or barely spoken to before. The support people have shown me and things they have told me have helped no end. But the things we've spoken about are what have lead to me realise how awful it is that people are ashamed to feel sad, or anxious. Two perfectly normal, perfectly human emotions. Once again, would you be ashamed to have a broken leg? Would you be ashamed if you had a cold? Would you be ashamed if you were in a good mood? No. No you wouldn't. I'm not sitting here saying 'run free children, and spread your emotions far and wide!' I'm not telling you to shove them in people's faces (even though I know that's what people think I'm doing right now.) What I'm saying is don't be ashamed of it. Share it, talk about it. Say whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better. 

One of the problems with depression, anxiety or any mental illness is that they all lead to a feeling of having no control. The main reason I shared my last post (and who knows, I might just go ahead and share some more) is to take some control back from the big, scary, ugly monster that follows me around in my head all the time. That monster that tells you to hide everything from people? He's wrong. Share the fuck out of your feelings if you want to, with whoever you want to. If people don't want to know, they don't have to read it. As it is now, yes, people know that I am 'depressed'. But they found out in the way I wanted them too. They didn't find out because I got drunk and cried, or because someone told them something I did, or by any other reason. Yes people can talk about it, but once again they can only talk about what I chose to let them talk about. When you're fighting against the Depression Monster you have to take small wins where you can. 

The next time you're talking to someone with a mental illness, or some other form of an 'invisible illness' please just try and remember that it is just as real as the eyeballs you're using to read this now, or the chair that you're sitting on. If you wouldn't say it to someone with a visible illness, you probably shouldn't say it to someone with a less visible or an invisible one either. I'm going to sign off this post now, because I've gone on to a topic I will probably write about at another time. But if you take one thing from this post, please let that be it. 

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