Moving forwards.

I'm not sure when I last wrote here? I think it was about a month ago, things are changing so quickly in my mind at the moment that I don't really know how to cope with it all, so I decided to stop writing for a while. I felt like although the writing helped to an extent it was also allowing me to wallow in what had happened to me, and maybe it wasn't helping me move forward as much as it could be. I'll never be able to go back and read what I wrote when I was at my worst, I don't think I'll ever be ready to face those feelings again.

So what have I been up to? From a medical point of view, I am still on Fluoxetine once a day. I have a doctors appointment next week where I'm thinking of asking if I can be taken off of it now. The thought is a bit terrifying. What if I go off it and I stop making progress. What if its the chemicals in the tablets that are making me feel better, not myself and my own mind. How will I cope if I start to go backwards again? I've been having CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) once a week for the last few months now, and I think that's moving on to something else this week as well, I'm not sure, I didn't fully understand what they said so I'm just trying to go with the flow on that one. But it's helped, I've learnt some really good techniques to help me keep rational and motivated.

- I've learnt to keep a diary. Obviously for things like appointments and work, but also for other things. I've been scheduling time for things like reading, watching a film, writing, anything that I enjoy doing. The more I carry on doing things that I enjoy the better I feel, the more motivated I am. If I set the schedule at the beginning of the week it feels harder to ignore, and I have to keep remembering that I feel better after I've done these things, and worse if I "give in to the mood".
- I've also learnt to write a list of the worst things that could happen before I do something I'm worrying about, then when I get home to go through the list and see what actually happened verses what I wrote down. Most things I wrote won't have happened, and if something did happen then I can use it as a learning curve. 
- It's okay to ask people for help, in anything you're doing. Literally, no matter what it is. Just ask someone. The most stupid question is the one that you don't ask. 

I'm also working now, originally I was just helping out in a care home but now I'm doing night caring. I'm still on my first learning shifts there but as far as I can tell at the moment I'm really enjoying it. I'll admit having my own money to spend on copious amounts of makeup isn't bad either. I get to use my own money to buy my niece a birthday present this week for the first time ever, and I'm really excited about that, the independence is a big morale boost. But so is the thought that I'm helping people as well. Someone told me once that caring isn't a nice job and they didn't want me to be doing it, which is just making me more determined to succeed.

Apparently I look brighter and happier, and sound better than I have since late last year. I haven't noticed myself but a lot of people have told me that, so I'm guessing it must be true.

I've made a lot of progress that I don't always see myself, so it helps to stop sometimes and write it down, to see the things that I've done otherwise they're easy to ignore, and it's easy to sit there and think that you haven't made any positive changes.

However, there are still things that aren't right. Sometimes I still wake up at 4am in tears over everything that happened, and how I felt at the time. I'm never going to forget the nights that I sat up in my bed just desperate for everything to end. And yes, by end I mean that I was suicidal. I'm sure I've said that here before. If not, then here it is. I was suicidal and I wanted to kill myself. I'm using my phone again properly, but after I'd deleted every single message on there that was sent before and during the break down and started on a clean slate again. I've still not seen any of my friends, apart from one. But there are a few I speak to on a daily basis that I would love to have the courage to meet up with and spend time with in person for the first time in a long time. There are feelings I'm having that I didn't think I would have again for a long time. I don't know when I'll be brave enough to act upon those feelings, but I'd like to be able to.

It's been a long old road to be honest and it's been ridiculously hard. I've lost a tonne of friends, through my fault and their fault but I've had to just accept that. The friends I still have are great people, and I care deeply about them. I've still got further to go on the road to recovering completely from what happened to me, and even during the short time I've been going to CBT I've already had a relapse with my anxiety, but that's okay, that is going to happen sometimes.


Anyway, I have to go and eat and get ready for a loooong night shift. I know no one looks at this anymore, and maybe I'll pop the link up somewhere for people to find at some point. But I just wanted to put this here while I had the time to stop and write it.

Rosie xx

Mind Wander 2.

So here I am. It's a Tuesday again. Like I've said before, my least favourite day of the week is a Tuesday. Everything bad that's happened to me has happened on a Tuesday. My grandad died on a Tuesday. He was buried on a Tuesday. The Breakdown started on a Tuesday. I spend most Tuesdays alone. They're just not good days for me. For a while I didn't have to spend them alone, but now I do. So here I am. Sat on my own, in my room, in pyjamas with pictures of cakes all over them, drinking water and watching TV.

I had my first counselling appointment last week. Turns out there is something wrong me, and it has a name. Weird to think that my personal inner demons have a title. For a while it made them seem more normal. But right now it doesn't. For future reference guys, I have severe social anxiety, causing a consistent low mood. I have to continue with my Fluoxetine for the foreseeable. But there is an action plan in place with my counselors etc to help me. I'm going to be having CBT to help me recognise triggers, and try to change aspects of my thoughts and behavior. But once again, it's not a cure. I'm still never going to be a normal person. Anxiety and "low mood" are going to plague me for the rest of my life. But one day maybe they won't be the big scary monsters they currently are. Maybe one day they'll just be a tiny little speck on the horizon of my future. I'll learn how to live with them, not to constantly fight against them.

Also different from the last time I wrote on here is that I have a job. I have an employer. I am an employee. I have my name and fingerprint set up on a little machine next to the sign in book. I have to do training. And I can't explain how much I am enjoying learning how to do something. When I went for my first day of training last week (on a Tuesday actually) I was terrified. I nearly didn't go. I fully expected to wake up that morning, refuse to go and stay in bed. But I didn't. Some how I managed to be brave enough to wake up at 8am, get dressed, eat, leave the house, walk to work, and stay there all day, in a place I didn't know, with people I didn't know. I should be incredibly proud of myself. And I am, sort of. I like that my day goes really quickly while I'm there. I like that no one knows much about me so no one treats me differently. I like that everyone there is older than me, so the topics of conversation are totally different from what I'm used to. I like having things to say to other people when I get home other than "today I played Sims and took my niece for a walk." I like that I will eventually have my own money and I'll be able to get my mum a nice birthday present this year. But I also still miss everything that I lost.

I normally like to try and make these as positive as I can. So where else have I improved? I've been wearing makeup and nice clothes again, where I can. I've not cried for a while. I've found tiny things that I enjoy again, like having a nice bath or watching some films, that kind of thing. I sleep nearly every night before 1am. For the last 3 years I have been awake until 2 or 3am every day.

Something still just doesn't feel right though. And I don't know when it will either.

Mind wander.

It's midnight in May, and it's currently 17degrees outside. All my winter clothes have been abandoned, and I'm laying on my bed with no duvet on and the fan practically in the bed with me in a desperate attempt to cool down. Unfortunately I am the kind of human being who hates hot weather, with a passion. When the sun comes out and the temperature goes above 15, I don't want to celebrate. I could hibernate all through summer with no problems. I am a total cold weather bunny. Anyway, got weather means that I don't sleep, so I basically spend all of summer in some fog of sleep deprivation desperately waiting for a night when I can snuggle up in my duvet again. Not sleeping means that my brain tends to take itself for walks down thought trails I can avoid during the day, but at night times become lit up with neon signs and make themselves impossible to ignore. So here I am. 

Thoughts I Am Having Right Now. 

1. Just, why? Why me? This is a thought I had when I hit a low point during my Scoliosis diagnoses, treatment and recovery and a thought I'm having again now. The way I see it sometimes (in my horrendously selfish moments) my body already betrayed me by going off and growing an 'S' shaped spine. Why did it have to betray me by also growing a brain that can't function like everyone else's can? Why not one or the other, why both? 

2. Does my ability to run away and hide make me a strong person or a weak person? I know I have the tendency to lose my shit quickly with someone, but after that I tend to never speak to them again. Does that mean I'm weak, because I can't bring myself to face further rejection, and I will take extreme (I haven't looked at my phone for 3 weeks now) measures to avoid someone or something? Or does it mean I'm strong because I can see where I've crossed a line somewhere and step back, and leave people to do what they wanted to do? Is it a mix of both? Maybe the things I'm running away from are best left alone. Maybe they're happier with out me, or moving on better without me. Maybe even if I went back to these situations they wouldn't work now for them. Maybe they wouldn't work for me? 

3. Maybe 'life' (or fate, or God, or whatever higher being you believe in) gave me something and then changed it to help me learn about myself, to stop the denial I was in over how bad my mental health was. Maybe life decided I needed to lose something I cared about through my own faults to actually be able to see them? I've been coasting through life for the last 4 years, more just existing than actually living. I ignored the signs I needed to change for so long that maybe fate decided I could no longer ignore it? In the last few weeks I've achieved more than I have for years. Not massive goals by the average persons standards, but to my own personal anxiety and depression demons, they are huge goals. I went 'public' with my depression. I wake up every day and leave the house. At the weekend I did an hours bus journey from a place I didn't know on my own and stayed quite calm. On Wednesday I went and had a conversation with someone I didn't know, on my own and filled in an application form. On Friday I got a phone call telling me when my training starts. But would I have done these things if it hadn't been for The Breakdown and subsequent events? Or would I have just carried on coasting? Am I doing all these things now for the right reasons. 

4. What are other people making of this whole thing? I made the decision to not hide how I feel anymore and everyone I've spoken to has been hugely supportive. But unfortunately I'm the type of person to always worry about what the people who aren't speaking to me are thinking. Do they think I'm attention seeking? Do they think I'm just being a pain in the backside? Do they wish I'd just shut up? Do they know about the big steps I've made? Do they care about them? I know the majority don't care. Not in a horrible way, perhaps I just don't know them well enough for my problems to be an issue to them, that kind of thing. 

Anyway, it's 12.37am now, and still 17 degrees but I need to try and sleep. Sometimes writing actually helps me once I get back in to bed, hence why most of my posts have been written between the hours of 11pm and 2am. 

How I Coped During & After 'The Breakdown.'

I am not cured. I have reached a few mile stones over the last few weeks and I'm slowly finding ways to keep me going. Wether they will keep me going for the long term or the short term, who knows. But at least they're working. So here is my Easy Breakdown Survival Guide. 

1. Cry. Cry. Cry. You need to cry (or scream or shout, anything physical) to get your emotions out there. If you don't get the first wave of emotions out, everything will pile up, and you'll have so many emotions you won't know what to do with them all. So yes, my first piece of advice is to cry until you can cry no more. I cried every few hours for three days, then just when I was alone, then just at night times. I needed to cry, without the crying I would have caused even more harm to myself than I already was. 

2. Accept that people won't know what to do while you're crying/screaming/hyperventilating/all of the above at the same time. Some people will disappear during this time, and trust me, the indentities of the ones who disappear will surprise you. Some people have avoided me for weeks now whom I've been close with for years. Yet some of the people who have been there for me every day I hardly knew before this happened. A quote I've been remembering a lot is 'if they can't be there for you at your worst they don't deserve you at your best.' And it's true. 

 3. Some 'simple' things will be hard for a while, but that's okay. I haven't opened the text message app on my phone for a month now, where as before I was a texting addict. You need to do, or not do, what you can. You don't want to do something? Don't do it. The need and ability to do these things will come back. For a week post-breakdown I barely slept or ate. A few weeks down the line I'm still not eating quite like I was, and sleeping is easier but still a nightly battle. Which brings me to 4...

4. Sleep, if you can. The one sleeping tip I have for you is don't go to bed until you're actually tired. Your bed may be the softest, most beautiful place of comfort for you during the good times but when it's 2am and you're unable to sleep during a bad patch the bed suddenly becomes a cold, dark, hard place of nightmares and uncontrollable thoughts while you're trying to drift off. Try not to properly get in to bed until you can barely keep your eyes open. Do whatever you want to do, read, message friends, watch a film, paint your nails, anything. Try and minimise the time you spend doing nothing.

5. Leave the house. Even during the good times before, I could easily go days without leaving the house and not question it. During The Breakdown and after, I have left the house every day. I go anywhere, to the supermarket, a walk with my niece, my sisters house, the cemetery (where my grandad is buried, I didn't stroll around a random cemetery but hey, if that works for you then you go). I went out in the rain, wind, sun, any weather. It broke up part of the day and I'm sure there's some scientific explanation somewhere about a Vitamin D and being outside and feeling better as well, I'll have to look that up. 

6. Distract yourself. It took me a while to work out what distracted me. I'm a big fan of colouring books, and colouring is a brilliant form of distraction. You're using your brain to chose the colours and where to put them, and using your hands to actually put pencil to paper. I also play The Sims a lot as well (I know, I know, please don't laugh), and I can easily lose myself for a while in building a house or something. When all else fails and my brain is really busy I have resorted to watching films. Not happy films though mind you. Zombie films, apocalypse films, alien invasion movies. How ever if you're struggling badly with anxiety this might not be the best thing to suggest for you. One of my fear triggers is ghosts and the paranormal, so I've avoided those type of films. Find something that absorbs your mind and keep doing it. 

7. Lastly. Ask for help. I'm lucky that my mum and sister are incredibly strong women who were able to be there for me during this. If you have people around who are anything like them, you will be okay and you should make sure your cherish them. I also had to seek a medical intervention during The Breakdown though, like many other people have, and will continue to do as well. It's hard to get a doctors surgery to understand the importance of mental health so you really need to be quite forceful with them. A day after The Breakdown and I was already in the doctors surgery being given medication and referrals for the things I needed. 

Please, if anyone is reading this and feels like I do or have done, please please PLEASE seek out some help, from where ever you can. 

Like I said, these are just things are helping me right now. These things could change tomorrow, next week, next month or they might be things that work forever. And remember I am still in a bad place. I'm saying what makes me feel like I can live through the day, not necessarily what makes me feel better or 'normal'. I know some of these points are followed by an element of pessimism, and that shows how much more time and help I still need. Working out these points however is a big step in learning to cope. 

Tuesdays, again.

Right now on top of everything else, I have a cold. I think it's a cold, it could be a chest infection. Every time I breath I wheeze, and I've been coughing for 2 straight days now. I'm not loving life, and I'm not sure what I can take for it because I don't know what is going to mix with my antidepressants, and I'm not willing to screw those up right now. It's also a Tuesday, so I am home alone. For the last God knows how long I've had company on a Tuesday night, and before that I was in the frame of mind to go and seek company if I wished to.

So whats new? I said I'm now on the repeat prescription for Fluoextine, I think? I'm taking it at night times before bed, because the doctor reckoned it would help me sleep. It's not really working, for the last 2 nights I've woken up every hour on the hour, but that could be the cold. It's another thing I can't judge for a while. I still haven't looked at my phone. I have it turned on in case someone calls me, or in case of an emergency but it's been a month now, and I haven't needed it. I don't miss it either bizarrely. I know how not normal it is to be avoiding it, and it's something I'm planning on working on with my counselors when that starts, which is in less than 2 weeks now I think. It's just an assessment appointment. They're often the worst one, but they're the first step to any help.

You have to sit in a room with a total strange you've never met before and be totally and completely honest with them about how you feel. Thought about hurting yourself lately? They need to know. Wanted to kill yourself again? They need to know. Cried yourself to sleep for how many days? They need to know. This absolute stranger has roughly half an hour to access your deepest, darkest thoughts and assess what they can or can't do for you. It's terrifying.

I'm going to speak to someone about a job tomorrow. Don't get too excited, it's not much, but it's something. I know it needs to be done, it will get me out of the house, and get me speaking to new people. But the pessimist in me can't help but think it's too little too late. My lack of a job led to losing so much and I didn't even realise. Can I get those things back? I'd love to. But those people/situations or whatever it is aren't going to want me anymore and that's what I have to deal with.

How it actually feels.

Imagine standing in the middle of a room full of people. Imagine those people are talking so loudly you can't pick out one distinct voice, just the odd word here and there. Imagine all those people are staring at you, scrutinising everything from your hair, to your clothes, to your posture. Imagine you're inside a clear glass partition in this room, and you can't get to these people, and no one can get to you to comfort you. Then suddenly an alarm sounds, the room falls silent and all the people leave, leaving you standing behind your partition on your own, watching everyone, unable to join in. The silence is so loud it hurts your ears. This goes on for an undetermined amount of time. Then they all come running back in, shouting, staring and judging. Imagine that as an actual real life situation. 

Then imagine knowing its not real, but not being able to do anything about it. That's how I face every day in my mind. I've most recently come to have anxiety issues when leaving the house. I have lived in the same house in the same town since the day I was born. I grew up here, went to school here. Had my first time of everything here. Had my last times of things here. I've had my best times here, and I've had my worst times here. I've had my most heartbreaking moments here, my most embarrassing moments here. My funniest moments, my happiest moments. Everywhere I look this place has memories, and right now they are memories I can't cope with. 

I've taken to turning down any friends ideas to go for drinks, go shopping, cinema, anything. I only go out in the middle of the day when everyone I know will be at work. And then I keep my hood up, or I keep looking down at the floor. I run in and out of the buildings I need to go to, and then I walk home avoiding the main high road. I purposefully don't make eye contact with anyone, and when I get home I have to sit and relax for a moment while hoping to god that no one I know saw me. I can't relax until I know I've made it in and out of the house without being seen again. 

But what am I actually scared of seeing? I'm scared of seeing the people involved in the events that lead to my breakdown. I'm scared of seeing people I knew when I was at my best and having to explain what happened to them. I'm scared of seeing people who know of me, but I don't actually know of them, in some situations those people had more of a say in things about myself than I did. (Bitter Rosie comment I know. I knew she was still in there somewhere, and I'm pleased about that, so I'm going to acknowledge I shouldn't have said that but leave it in anyway.) 

It's feels like I'm walking around with a neon lit sign above my head that declares in capital letters I AM DEPRESSED. LOOK AT ME. It feels so obvious and heavy to me every day that I find it hard to believe that no one else can see it. When I look in the mirror and see the pale tone to my skin, or the dullness in my eyes. Just the utter disinterest I have in life, I can't imagine how no one else can see it. But the thing is I don't want people to see it, so at the same time it feels like I've become a master of deception. Like I've said in other posts I've been hiding this for a long time, and I thought I'd lost the ability to do that anymore. 

The other day I went back to the doctor (I'm now on a repeat prescription of Fluoxetine, back in 8 weeks to see how the dosage is going) and I went in to the room and purposefully didn't say how bad I was still feeling. I made out that I was sleeping and eating again, and I was starting to see a point in things. I told a joke, I smiled and I laughed. I managed to look him in the eye, and not cry. I basically managed to pull off an Oscar winning performance in there. I've gotten really good at saying things, and then saying something after it that covers up what I've said, like I'm trying to make it impossible for people to pick holes in what I'm saying or doing by doing that myself. 

I'm not really sure what the point to this post was. It's 11.04pm and I've just taken my Fluoxetine, so when that kicks in I end up with a few hours where I can just about control my thoughts enough to calm down and go to sleep. Right now my brain is still going. All I can think about is how much I miss some people and places, and wonder how the hell my life became what it is. Blogging isn't really working tonight, the more I open up on this the more I'm opening the door to my thoughts that I'm trying to close. 

Good night guys. 

It's been 2 weeks since 'The Breakdown'.

So it's been two weeks since my epic breakdown, and the beginning of me starting to get help. I've been taking Fluoxetine for 13 days now, and the side effects are starting to show. Fortunately they're nothing I can't handle. The loss of appetite is pretty good for my waistline and fit of my jeans. The lack of sleep is nothing I can't handle, I'm not a good sleeper anyway. The main annoyance is the nausea. I've felt horrendously sick for two weeks now, and there doesn't appear to be any let up in it. My muscles and joints are quite sore, and I've not been taking my painkillers because I forgot to ask if they can mix with the Fluoxetine. On top of these side effects I picked up a cold from my niece, which hasn't helped my morale that much. 

But I make it through most days without feeling the need to cry (round of applause) which is a huge improvement. I'm eating again, I still can't eat the portions I could a few weeks ago, but that's probably a good thing. I still haven't turned my phone on, it's been sat in a drawer in my mums room for the entire time. I'm planning on turning that back on sometime this week. I still dream about people and things that I don't want to, meaning that I often wake up in the morning having forgotten what's happening to me. Mornings still aren't my favourite time of day. I still don't want to be left alone in my house at all. I've been staying at my sisters house a lot to avoid that. I've been forcing myself to leave the house once a day at least, even just for 5 minutes. That's been one of the best things I've been doing. 

I've got my appointment for my counselling assessment in a few weeks, I'm looking forward to getting started. On Tuesday I go back for to see my doctor and get my next Fluoxetine prescription. Would I be where I am right now without the antidepressants? I don't think so.